My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
