woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
