I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
