i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
