This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
