I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
