Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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