I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Randomize
