Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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