oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
