I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
