I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
