Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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