She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
