Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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