when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
