i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
