Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
