I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
