Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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