I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
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