i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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