I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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