Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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