The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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