i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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