So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
