when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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