saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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