You're earring is so big in my mouth
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
