Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
50% drunk capacity currently
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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