are you still at the devil's house?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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