i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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