so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
