Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
