You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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