I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
