I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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