Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
