I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
