Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
