I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
