in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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