my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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