Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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