watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
