I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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