Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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