she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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