Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
