You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
you never un-have a 4some
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
