Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
