I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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