now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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