I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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