if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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