If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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