I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
