Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
