She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
