she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
