no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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