I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
