I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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