Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
